Shriek
by Knightm
Summary: Well… I kinda turned Lana into an Ogre and it's a goofy read and I just didn't feel normal today. It's weird! If you’re a Superman comic book fan it might make sense to you towards the end. Kcul dooG


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(Insert start here)

Disclaimer: This boggles the mind, Knight/m a.k.a. Mndvlz has got about two cents in the pocket, if you want it, it's yours.

Oh wait… I checked the other pocket; there are two more pennies.

So suing me and turning my life topsy-turvy for four pennies isn't really economically sound cause I am already broke and the pennies aren't going to multiply any time soon but maybe in another dimension they might but I'm not part of that realm. Maniacal laughter

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Warning…don't try this at home, leave it to the professionals that don't know any better. I was sick for a few days and took some meds and from that scenario this hallucination came about. If you don't like the fic I blame it on the meds.

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FYI: Nair is a hair removal product. Disclaimer applies here too.

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Summary: Well… I kinda turned Lana into an Ogre and it's a goofy read and I just didn't feel normal today. It's weird! If you're a Superman comic book fan it might make sense to you towards the end. Kcul dooG 

Shriek

(Chloe at home talking to Lana before school started.)

Chloe: Do you know you start snoring at exactly… two in the morning until three.

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Lana: **(Looking a bit perturbed)** Me… snore… I don't think so.

I was even up at around that time, I know because I felt a bit beastly…but I wasn't snoring. **(Stomping out the door.)**

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(Chloe in an attempt to prove to Lana she does snore set up a tape recorder just outside her bedroom door and sure enough the snoring started at two in the morning.)

Chloe: You did it … again…

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Lana: Did what?

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Chloe: Snore…

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Lana: **(Upset)** I don't snore… it's not in my nature.

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Chloe: I…. have… proof…

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Lana: Oh… and what proof is that?

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Chloe: I taped you last night.

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(Chloe pressed the play button and Lana heard this loud roar of snoring.)

Lana: Is this a joke?

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Chloe: Lana…I'm serious this is no joke.

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Lana: I don't believe it. **(She stomped out the door again.)**

(At school Chloe met up with Pete and Clark.)

Chloe: (Chiming the words into a tune) I got a secret…

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Clark: About who?

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Chloe: It's whom…genius.

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Pete: Yeah… who?

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Chloe: Why do I even try….

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Clark & Pete in unison: Come on tell us…

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Chloe: (In a teasing tone) It's someone we all know and love… some… more than others.

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Pete: Is this a riddle?

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Chloe: (Frustrated at their simple-mindedness) Just guess…

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Clark: Is it Tom…Dick… or Harry

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Chloe: (Sounding inquisitive) You love them…

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Clark: Well… no… oh jeez…NO…

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Pete: Moe, Curly & Larry…

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Chloe: (Rolling her eyes) Typical slap stick comedy… but no…and it's not about Huey, Duey and Louie either…

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Clark: (Chiming in) Oh I like them…

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(Feeling dumb that he just admitted that.)

Ah…then who is it?

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Chloe: No other than the girl who is pretty in pink!

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Clark & Pete saying the name together and with surprise: LANA!

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Clark: What's the secret Chloe… tell me…

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Chloe: Our resident princess…. SNORES!

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Clark: No way… she can't snore she is so prefect.

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Chloe: Well… your ten… snores up a storm from two to three in the morning… Enough to rock the house.

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Pete: I don't believe it either.

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Chloe: Stay over at my house tonight and you will hear that it's not the Sound of Music coming from her room.

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Chloe: See you guys later. 

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(Chloe waving good bye and making snoring sounds as she leaves.)

Clark: It can't be.

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Pete: Maybe Clark… who knows. 

I know when you think of Lana it's always picture perfect but she could be hiding something under the bridge.

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(Clark and Pete stayed over at Chloe's house bunking in the same room adjacent to Lana and exactly at two the snoring barrage started.)

Clark: What is that?

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Pete: I think it's snoring.

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Clark: No way… it sounds like it coming from something big and burly.

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Chloe: (Barges in) You see I told ya she snores.

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Clark: That can't be my Lana.

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(All three walking towards Lana's door and putting their ear up against it.)

Clark: **(Shaking his head)** My perfect ten, my angel, and my damsel who is always in distress.

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(As they open the door)

Clark: MY OGRE!

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(All three screamed and slammed the door closed. All three looking at each other in disbelief, slowly they open it again and peered in.)

Clark: (Shouting) Where is my Lana?

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Lana: I am here can't you see… I am wearing pink pajamas and pink barrettes and pink socks… so I know it's me!

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Clark: You may have the color scheme right but your not my Lana.

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(Pete fainted, Clark and Chloe started to pay attention to him).

Lana: Hellooo… over here… he has nothing to say, just leave him. 

This is about me… I need to look at a mirror.

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(Pointing to Chloe) Can you pass me the pink one on the dresser?

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Chloe: Which pink one?

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Lana: The one that is more pink than the others.

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Chloe: Oh…ok….uhmm **( looking confused)** which one.

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Lana: (Annoyed) if you weren't into that bohemian style of clothing you would be able to tell.

Clark please pass me the pink mirror.

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Clark: Is it the plaid pink or this flannel pink?

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Lana: (Fed up) Can't you see past plaid. 

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(Stomping her feet that shook the room) I'll get it myself…

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Lana: SHRIEK! What am I…?

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Chloe: Well in clinical terms you're an ogre.

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Lana: Say it isn't so… this shade of green on my skin and pink just don't go.

I can't bear to see myself anymore **(looking away)** but I'll try and gee I even rhymed. 

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(Lana picking up rose colored **sunglasses and putting them on.)**

Ah… that's better.

Chloe I need to know what's happening to me.

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(Chloe running practically on all fours to get to her laptop.)

Chloe: (Being investigative) How many years were you wearing the meteor rock necklace?

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Lana: Since I was three.

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Chloe: That has to be the key…wearing that necklace all of those years must have turned you into an ogre.

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Clark: But why only from two to three in the morning?

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Chloe: I need details if I am going to sniff out this problem… so tell me everything you can remember. 

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Lana: I know my parents always dress me in pink. **(Lana pointing)** see all of my baby pictures.

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Clark: You have all of them framed.

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Lana: Just the close ups.

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Lana: When I was three years old my aunt adopted me. 

She told me always wear something pink it shows off my best features. So all my life I been attracted to pink.

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Chloe: What time of day did she give you the necklace?

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Lana: Well… I was crying one night about two in the morning and that's when she gave me the necklace.

I told her it wasn't pink, she told me it would match anyway. 

Just to please her cuz she would have just nagged me to death and then I would've had to listen to her talk about herself until who knows when… blah,blah,blah.

Anyway I wore it then took it off an hour later because it itched and it was pulling on some hair.

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Clark: **(Dumbfounded)** You have hair on your neck?

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Lana: No…**(hiding the bottle of Nair on her dresser.)**

Chloe: My theory is… you are really an ogre and the pink neutralizes the ogre affect and the meteor rock necklace neutralizes the pink affect which turns you back into an ogre for an hour.

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Lana: That can be…

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(In slow motion Lana tosses her hair from side to side and puts on dreamy sexy eyes for Clark although she forgot she was an ogre.)

Lana: Well Clark… what do you think **(puckering her lips.)**

Clark: I think I'll pass.

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Lana: What…! You don't know what you're missing.

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Clark: Ah…yes I do.

I want pretty in pink Lana.

I always dreamed I would have her just sit on my shoulder like an imp and folic in the grass.

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Lana: That's not going to happen**…(Lana imagining that scenario)** I would have to be a fairy with pixie dust… hey wait…do you know what grass stains do to pink if I should fall.

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Chloe: Ok people focus here…

In my research I found a community just outside of Smallville called Ogres Under the Bridge and Through the Woods Habitat. 

They also have in captivity lions and tigers and bears… oh my!

They have a few bio's up on some of the members. 

And it's just $19.99 to join and you get a free bumper sticker that says, "Have you kissed your ogre today".

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Lana: Let's see them.

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Chloe: Hey here's a coincidence…this ogre guy is named Clark… he even wears plaid.

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Lana: What does his bio read?

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Chloe: By day I'm a mild mannered ogre but… by night I put on my red and blue spandex suit which comes with an accessory cape and I am… "SUPERMAN."

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Lana: Why do guys make them selves out to be bigger than what they are.

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Chloe: No…he fights crime by night.

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Lana: Hmmm…he is cute… I like him… but do you think pink, red and blue clash.

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Pete: (in a groggy state holds up a finger and said)

Tether it with a yellow belt…I have one on sale for five, ten, fifteen dollars…

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Lana: I'll take it… I'll take it…

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Pete: Sold to the green ogre in pink. **(and then collapse into the unknown.)**

Lana: He's short on phrases but he does have fashion sense and drives a hard bargain.

A little yellow between the two of us will make us match.

I'm moving there!

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Chloe: Why…

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Lana: Because… looking at them at least I will be the best looking ogre there and with fashion sense no less.

I'll hook up with Clark the ogre he will naturally love me because I'm me and now that I have some Nija moves we can be a crime fighting team. 

I'll have it all…

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(Clark looking heart broken and miserable went home and into bed. He slept all that day and into the next night. He slept until two in the morning and his new super hearing went into high gear. He heard these bizarre noises, growls, and grunts. It was all around him. He x-rayed his parent's room and saw his mom and dad or so he thought looking like Gomez and Mortisha. His dad was saying to her **speak more French and then kissing up her arm. He ran out of the house and checked up on all of his friends.**

Chloe turned into a bloodhound dog sniffing newspapers and chewing on a pink bone.

Pete was an auctioneer; Clark thought no wonder he never has anything to say during the day.

He went to Lex's house and thought Lex has got to be normal. He peered into the window and saw Lex looking into a mirror with a white rolled up selves T-shirt on, his chest puffed out, his arms cross and folded over his inflated chest saying "Do you want me to clean your floors and then broke into the Mr. Clean jingle. Lex then took a mop and bucket and cleaned all the floors in the mansion. Clark thought no wonder his place always looks spotless.)

(Clark couldn't take it anymore he ran into a field and while spinning with his arms in the air said.)

Clark: Why did you send me to this planet? 

I'm the only one that's normal around here.

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(Then a cloud swarmed up from the sky and faced Clark and said in a deep heavy voice that demanded attention.)

Cloud swarm: Simba is that you…

Hey, you're not Simba!

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Clark: I know… but since you're here Mr. Mufasa do you have any tips.

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Mufasa: Yeah don't bet on horses and call your father on a different cloud.

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Clark: (Mufasa started to fade away) But Mufasa wait…I'm I going to be alone.

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Mufasa: (Feeling somewhat sorry for him) Put an ad in the personals in the Daily Planet newspaper and someone with the initials L.L. will answer.

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Clark: Huh…

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Mufasa: (Frustrated) Forget it… just wear red underwear on the outside of your clothes and fly by the seat of your pants… you'll be fine.

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Clark: That's just backwards!

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Mufasa: **(Loudly)** Just do it!

I got to go find Simba; he's feeling sorry for himself again.

He's very much like you.

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(All Clark could do was walk home saying…

Mufasa… say it again… Mufasa…I love that.)

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Another cloud appeared saying: Son… is that you?

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Clark: Jor-El is that you?

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Jor-El: (In an angry tone) I AM YOUR FATHER ADDRESS ME AS SO!

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Clark: Ok Pop what's up.

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Jor-El: The sky son the sky…

I still can't believe you're from my gene pool.

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Clark: **(Bewildered) **Huh….

Why did you send me here?

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Jor-El: Well because… all of the other planets denied your application.

They felt that you…**(hesitating) **uhm…well your not the brightest star out there.

This planet has an open door to aliens they don't care where you're from, there's no background checks…just a revolving door policy. 

It's great if you want to sneak in.

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Clark: Oh…

So Pop…what's my destiny and who is L.L.

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Jor-El: Since you're not swift on the up take, the ogre Clark took the rest of your story line.

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Clark: Damn

Ok so… Mufasa…say it again… Mufasa said I would be with someone with the initials L.L. who is it…**(Clark recounting) **Lana Lang went with the ogre…

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(Clark thinking) it could only be… Noooo not Lex Luthor.

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(The cloud whacked Clark up side of his head.)

Joe-El: Would you just think!

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Clark: But there are so many plot holes in this story, it's hard Pops.

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Jor-El: You'll figure it out…look at the Planets newspaper and the answer will be there.

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Clark: What section?

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Jor-El: I don't know…look at the ads, it will be big and bold, and you will just know.

Got to go these long distance charges are killing me.

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(Clark ran to the nearest newsstand in Metropolis nestled between to large glass buildings. He opens a newspaper and finally saw… who he was destine to be with.)

Clark: I'm going to be rich… I can have all the plaid and flannel I want… 

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(doing a victory dance) cuz I 'm going to be with L.L. Bean. 

Whoa… I got to order the catalog.

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(Clark feeling frustrated and confused.)

Clark: Why…why… is all this happening to me… I don't love Mr. Bean.

A few days ago everything was fine and now my life is upside down and turned around.

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(A little guy appear on the side of the glass building)

Little guy: Hello kid… you're fun to tease, irritate, torment, annoy…all of the above.

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Clark: Who are you… your funny looking.

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Little guy: Hey don't judge people before you get to know them, I might be fun and a barrel of laughs to add to that.

Lets play teacher…my name is right underneath me…sound it out.

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(Clark was placed in a very small chair and desk with a dunce cap on his head, the little guy had a pointer.)

Little guy: Lets start.

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Clark: (Starting to pronounce) Mr.…Mr….

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Little guy: Goood…good…

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Clark: Mr. Mixpick…Myihasatick…Mypittlick…Mutiplex… Mentalpreplex.

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Little guy: (Talking to Clark in slow motion) Look -kid -sound- it- out.

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(A half-hour went by with no luck.)

Little guy: **(Yelling)** Ok stop…stop…just call me Buddy…ok…

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Clark: No… I'm going to prove to everyone that I am swift on the up take.

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(Clark scrunching up his face.)

What's an up take?

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(Two hours past with Clark still trying to pronounce the little guy's name then four hours, then twenty-four hours, two weeks, a month, with Clark and the little guy in the same spot.

Finally the little guy got so frustrated and enraged he grabbed Clark by his new fully-grown beard a said: Follow the bouncing ball… Mr. Mxyzptlk…

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Clark: Huh…

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(Clark turned to the other glass building and said so what does that say

s-m-a-r-t-y pants.)

Little guy: Oh that's kltpzyxM .rM

Oh…damn!

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(The little guy disappearing and his voice faded away saying.) 

See you in the future kid. **(Maniacal laughter.)**

Clark: **(Insert smart kid here)** I knew I was swift on the up take… Hahaha…

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(Clark turning to look at all of you reading this fic.)

So if you're wondering how I figured this out, it was what Mufasa said… I quote "Wear red underwear on the outside of your clothes." 

That had to be backwards because that would be just to weird to do.

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The End:dnE ehT

FYI: If anyone is a comic book fan they will remember the imp Mr. Mxyzptlk pronounce Mix-yez-pittle-ick he is one of Superman future annoyances. He is from the fifth dimension from a place called Zrfff…yes Zrfff and he travels to earth to play elaborate pranks on Superman. Superman has to outwit him by getting him to say or write his name **backwards**. 

That's the reason the other building was there, it reflected his name backwards to him. Mxyzptlk hates to lose so he always comes back to cause mayhem in Superman life every ninety days or so.

If the fic was weird to you all, all I can say was that we weren't in Kansas anymore.


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